Porplemontage: The Next Google?
The following is a reprint from an article in the Summer 2006 issue of Internet Business e-Magazine.
PORPLEMONTAGE: THE NEXT GOOGLE?
by Jerry Svenson
In today’s world of “Web 2.0″ and “AJAXML on Rails”, it’s hard to remember what the Internet is really about: business. If it weren’t for business, there would be no Internet, and therefore no Internet Business (and certainly no Internet Business e-Magazine). But what drives this Internet Business? Internet Businesses, of course. Porplemontage Studios is one of these Internet Businesses that’s shaping the world.
“Porplemontage Studios is all about two things: quality content and profit,” says Porple M head honcho Stephen Shinn. “With hot series such as 37 Nun Street, Fewmets, Forum Stage, Fett Fetterson Adventures, Bloo Toons, Mind Crush, Garageband, Knock on Wood, Murk280, Onion, Five Minute Comedy Hour, Floppy Disk Toons, Brooks Television, Shizzle, Stripping Isn’t Always Easy, SuperSammyTeam, TARNACOP, Borehood, The Weevins, Zeno, Joimation Studios, The Life of Ricky Jones, The Real Rubyrulez, Free of Turtles, Friends in a Can, The Secret Files of Salena Umaco, ZRG Entertainment, ThunderCS, Inside The Box, and Odi et Amo, I don’t see any way we can possibly lose money.” Indeed, Porplemontage does seem to be gaining money. While there currently does not exist any data to back up this claim, surely Porple M Studios has nowhere to go but up.
One of PM Studios’ greatest assets is its dedicated team of animators and other content creators. Through thick and thin, they manage, somehow, to never miss an update and consistently produce content for viewing pleasures. Zachary Hinchliffe, creator/co-creator of many PMS serieses, describes the PM creative atmosphere to be “awesome. I can’t wait to unleash my series onto the Internet! Just give me a couple weeks, and we’ll have all the pilots ready to go. Don’t believe me? Check out this list of all the plots for the upcoming episodes I wrote in this forum post!” Knock on Wood comic creator Lucas Wagner has this to say: “I don’t foresee any reason that would cause me to abandon my comic craft and never do anything Knock on Wood related ever again. It just won’t happen!”
With the confidence of its creative staff behind its back, and promises of good times to come and stay forever, Porplemontage Studios is a true winner in Internet Business. Like the many Internet Businesses of the famous Internet Bubble of 1999, there’s absolutely nowhere to go but continued profitability and sustainable content creation. For reals.
11/14/07 | by:
Lucas|
General |
3966 Comments »
First Ackbar Episode Up !
Well i have the majority of the site designed now - I will continue to upload all the ackbar episodes but you can view the first here at porplemontage now .
http://ackbar.porplemontage.com/episode1page.htm
05/19/07 | by:
meatwadsprite|
General - Ackbar |
976 Comments »
I Took My Court For A Law
At Porplemontage Studios, I’m no longer there.
But at Lucas’s Home Base of Secrecy and Cake, I continue to slave away at my Sentence Machine attempting to make funny words come out so everyone can laugh. It was during a session of merriment creation that I happened to get a phone call from an acquaintance of mine, Brooks “razzle-dazzle” Williams.
“Hello?”
“Lucas, this is Brooks. Have you checked Porplemontage Dot Com yet?”
“Brooks, I’m not going to drive up your hit counter just because you guys are desperate.”
“No, check out the blogs. There’s something you need to see.”
So I took out my telescope, and gazed over into their building. I only had to observe briefly before I saw the horrible truths that were unfolding before me: everyone was writing blog posts. EXACTLY LIKE MINE. And it was scary. At first I thought it was some elaborate April Fool’s Day prank, but after realizing that the events of this post take place slightly before the present day, I came to the conclusion that what I was witnessing was actually happening.
I knew what I had to do.
I would sue them. Every single one of them.
Later that day, I had a talk with my lawyer, Niko “learned it all from that phoenix wright game on the DS” Anesti.
“Niko, let’s put this in terms we can both understand. How much money can we sue them for?”
“Well, I’ve been looking at your case, and it seems really flimsy. I mean, it’s mostly just look and feel charges, and in written fictional tales… We’re going to have to take extra precautions.”
“Jury rigging?”
“You read my mind.”
We went out and purchased the best jury money could find. Comprised exclusively of disgruntled authors, Porplemontage hatas, and the RIAA, we knew that we could easily win this case thanks to their obvious biases. Only a master debater (oh come on, how did you NOT see that coming) could best us in this legal tournament.
“Oh snap,” said Niko as we walked into the courtroom, ready to present our case.
“What is it?”
“They’ve got Stephen ‘the bow wow starts now my homedawgs’ Shinn defending for them.”
“So?”
“That man could out-argue the pants off of Homestar Runner.”
“Homestar Runner doesn’t wear any pants.”
“That’s how good he is.”
I was worried. I really needed to get even with these guys, but with Steve in the way, my plan was looking pretty shambolic. I got called up to the stand.
“State your name for the record.”
“Lukasz Franklin Wagner.”
“Lucas, do you work for Porplemontage Studios?”
“No, not anymore…”
Steve was obviously leading me into a trap. “Then why do you write about us?”
“Because I enjoy it.”
“Do you recognize Porplemontage Studios to be the registered trademark of PMS Ridiculously Awesome Holdings, Inc.?”
“Yes…”
“Ladies and gentlemen, by writing these blog posts, Lucas is clearly violating the copyright we established, and is therefore in no position to claim that these works are infringing upon his intellectual property! And unless he gives us all his precious gold right now, we will counter-sue him in this very same court with our own rigged jury and take every possession you own through this court of law!”
“…damn it.”
We eventually settled out-of-court for a “reasonable” sum of money, and now I’m restricted from writing about Porplemontage or any of its properties.
Tune in next week for another exciting new story featuring tales of all the great people at PurpleLawntage Creations!
04/01/07 | by:
Lucas|
General |
2338 Comments »
Bandwagonings
At Porplemontage Studios and Human Xerox, we focus our abilities to creating the most high-quality and original copies. From Bonus Stage to Teen Girl Squad to Jerry Jackson, no series is unscathed. I, Zachary “Funny or Random Nickname” Hinchliffe, master copier, have personally copied all three of these with flair.
However, recently, I have been introduced to an unsettling habit: the copying of Porplemontage content. Users have been writing “blog entries” (something I am unfamiliar with) that apparently copy Lucas Wagner’s blog-writing style. I proceeded to get to the bottom of it.
“Copying’s fine with me. After all, that’s what we do at Porplemontage. I am a bit angry they didn’t ask first, but I’m sure that the people we rip off would feel the same,” says Lucas.
“I was just trying to be funny! Isn’t it alright to try something new once in a while?!” yelled a defensive Brittany.
“Well, Brittany did one, so I figured it’d be alright to copy her. Sorry if it wasn’t that great,” said Ruby, calmly.
“EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING IT OKAY?! JEEZ! I’M SORRY IT WASN’T GOOD! IT SUCKS AND I DELETE IT!!” said Nate.
04/01/07 | by:
YesIAmAnIdiot|
General |
1404 Comments »
Another peice of shit by Nate that sucks.
It’s stupid. I hope you’re glad it’s gone. Bye bye.
03/30/07 | by:
Nate W|
General |
2897 Comments »
What Goes On In My Crazy Little Mind - Brit-Brit’s Entry (part 1)
At PorpleMontage Studios & G-Rated Porn Industry, we strive in giving you the best webtoon, webcomic, and clothed cuddling porn we can offer. Ever since Lucas was kicked out of the building, I’ve been a bit edgy (no reference intended), wondering if I’m the next one to get Stephen “Sexy Legs” Shinn’s rather fashionable cowboy boots. The only thing keeping me in here is my half-hearted “I’m bringing back Ernie Seekers” excuse.
My office was revoked after I canceled The Ernie Seekers, so currently I’ve been staying in Zachary “Ham-Ham” Hinchliffe’s closet typing on his rusty old PC. I don’t think he’s cleaned his closet for weeks. It’s full of clothes that smell like a bovine animal and it’s not the least bit arousing for me, not even his underwear near my foot.
“brit-brit, come to my office” Stephen IMed me.
“Why are you IMing me?” I loved showing off with proper grammar.
“because i have no intercom in Zach’s closet to call you with, smartass.”
“oh, okay.”
I took the nearby stairs to the 100th floor since there’s no elevator, because Stephen says we need the exercise after sitting on our cottage cheese asses for so long working on new content. I walked into his office, “You needed me, sir?”
“Oh, hey Brit. I was going to ask you if you could bring me a donut for me before you went on an away message on IM. Could you do that for me, sweetie?”
The snack table is on the first floor. Shit. Making my way down fifteen floors, I met Brooks in the hallway. He gasped and dropped his coffee-soaked donut and it splatted on the floor in a greasy mess.
“B-Brittany,” Brooks stuttered. His voice creaked as I could see him visibly sweating, “You..you…”
“What?”
“You have your hair up…”
“Yeah, I slapped it together in five minutes. What’s wrong with it?”
“Nothing. It’s n-nice.”
“Thanks?” I eyed the donut on the ground, “Can I have that?”
“SURE!”
I took the donut and dusted all the dirt off of it and took a small nibble of it. I couldn’t taste any dirt, so it’d be good enough for Steve. I walked half-way up the flight of stairs, and turned to Brooks, “Oh yeah, you many want to stay out of the coffee for awhile, we had a bit of a Cheddar Cheesia problem lately.”
“Oh, thanks,” I could hear him running and slamming his office door seconds later. OH, BOYS~
“Sir?” I said as I peaked through the door.
“Please, come in, sweetie,” Steve ushered me in. His genuine kindness really made me uneasy, “Have a seat in my big comfy chair I stole from Hinchliffe’s office. He doesn’t deserve to get better stuff than his boss, dammit,” there was a feeling of anger fueled up in that last sentence.
I gulped a bit as he leaned over his desk and glared at me with his pink eyes. By god, he had pink eyes. He huffed a rather happy sigh and continued, “Now you know what has happened to Lucas.”
Bad thoughts attacked my brain after he mentioned Lucas. He’s going to drop me. Give me the boot, kick me out, fire me, ban me. He paced around his room in his boots, and all I could do is let my eyes follow his movements.
“Oh, you like these boots,” he say me eyeing them, “Got them at Macy’s! 20% off!”
“They look good on you,” maybe flattering him with utter lies could save me. Personally, I wanted to scream out “GAY” as he did a little dance for me in them.
“Lucas got kicked for no longer being a content creator here,” Steve said, “But there’s more to it. I don’t want you to ever think of telling anyone.”
I was a bit relieved that maybe my skin was saved, but I had the feeling that he was going to do something dumb like say Lucas was gay for him and he disposed of Lucas for that reason.
“Lukee kept a secret from me for the longest time,” he turned around and closed his eyes, “all this time we spent, from when PorpleMontage was a one-story building with 5 cubicles, until recently when he was my second-hand man,” I could swear I heard tears building up. He turned around, raging out of control, “ALL THIS TIME…HE…HE…WAS A COMMUNIST!”
I was lost at this point. I tried to say something, but couldn’t even get past the first syllable before he interrupted me, “I thought he made Green Triangle as a character for laughs, but it’s true; that character represents the true him: a vile cold-blooded murderer.”
“Being a communist doesn’t make you a murderer. Except for the Russian ones.”
“THEY ARE TOO! I’LL BLOCK YOU!” he said.
And then I remembered a chat I had with Cheddar Cheesia just the other night with him claiming I was a lesbo racist communist, and he said those exact words.
“You’re not Stephen! You’re-” I pulled off his mask and a foul stench of dead rats and moldy cheese hit me and made my stomach curl. I felt faint, and collapsed to the ground.
“YES! It’s me!!” Cheddar Cheesia said in his nasally voice, “I got rid of Lucas, and now I’ll get rid of PorpleMontage for hating my webcomic!” He exploded through the roof and flew off in the clear cloudless sky.
“Brittany!” Zach busted through the door a few seconds after. He held me in his arms, his hazel eyes gazing into mine, and he told me, “Your hair looks nice.” I love the occasional compliment, but Hinchy always gives them at the most inappropriate times.
“I’m fine,” I replied to what I wanted him to ask me, “Steve did not kick Lucas out! It was Cheddar!”
“Dammit! I knew the coffee tasted cheesy!” Zach said as he threw the donut that he also took a bite out of on the ground in disgust. He then completely dropped me on the ground and ran to the intercom, “ALL MEMBERS OF PORPLE REPORT TO THE GENERAL DISCUSSION FORUM NOW!”
TO BE CONTINUED.
03/28/07 | by:
Brittany Heiman|
General |
2205 Comments »
(and studios)
At Porplemontage Forums (and studios) I no longer have a prestigious office (or even a keycard to get into the building) after leaving my positions of content creator and forum administrator, and am now reduced to a typewriter in the lobby to write my blog posts on. (I had to buy the typewriter myself; apparently it’s not custom to “pay” unaffiliated bloggers anymore.) My new workspace does, however, give me the unique position of having “conversations” with some friendly faces.
“Hey! If it isn’t Brooks ‘nine to five’ TeeVee!”
“Hey, Lucas.”
“You wanna sit here and bounce some ideas off of me?”
“No, we’re kinda haemorraghing viewers left and right, and we’re having a staff meeting to review content deadlines.”
“Ooh! Can I come?”
“Umm… well, I’ll send you the transcript next week, all right? See y’all later.”
“Hey, Hinchy, what’s new? Care to have some coffee here with me?”
“Wow, I’d love to, but I really have to get to animating some Behind The Studios eps.”
“Oh! That reminds me, when do you want me to come in and VA?”
“Well, since you’re not on payroll, we kinda got someone else who was more ‘part of the family’ to do your vocals.”
“Oh. Really?”
“‘Fraid so. But hey, if we ever need a voice for an extra, we’ll call you first, eh?”
“Awesome!”
“See ya later!”
“You know where to find me! If you ever need anything!”
“Sure thing, Lucas.”
“Seriously!”
“Gotcha.”
“Yo yo yo! Steve, what’s up?”
“Who the hell are you? Here, have this nickel and get out of my sight.”
“Nator! How’s it shaking?”
“Hey Lucas, what’s up?”
“Oh, you know me, always working on my blog posts. Say, how would you like a shout-out in my next post in exchange for a cameo in your next project?”
“Wow, really?”
“Of course!”
“No, I meant it like ‘wow, you really think that a blog shout-out is equal in value to a cameo in a cartoon, you stupid git?’”
“Well, I did.”
“Well, you’re a stupid git.”
“Are you Matthew Perry from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip?”
“Why yes, I just came here to…”
“Get out of my sight.”
“…ask you if I could get a blog cameo…”
“No way in hell.”
“…and maybe tell a joke or two…”
“I like my blog posts to not suck, please and thank you.”
“…or maybe just a name drop…”
“Keep walking.”
“Ruby! Hey, I was gonna ask you…”
“…for a voice part? Yeah, we’ve been talking about that, and…”
“We?”
“The whole Porplemontage crew.”
“Oh wow, they’ve been talking about me?”
“Yeah, well, we think you should leave. Now.”
“Oh. Well, bye then.”
“Bye.”
“Sayonara.”
“Just get out, Lucas.”
And so, with one final struggle to attempt to steal some furniture and faux plants from the Porplemontage lobby, I was thrown out with the help of two security guards. I sat and sulked on the front steps. It started raining. Some people say I started crying, but they’re all horrible liars. As I was about to leave, a friend came and sat on the step next to me.
“Well if it isn’t Lucas ‘blog demon’ Wagner. How’s life?”
“Shafer! What are you doing here?”
“Bloo Toons ended, remember? They finally found out that I was still using my office for Pocketeers rehearsals, and they kicked me out.”
“Same here.”
“I heard.”
“Steve, play me a sad song to help me drown my sorrows.”
“I’m a ska musician. I only know up-tempo songs to get the crowd riled up and buying our merch.”
“Then play me some of that, Steve.”
And Steve played me a variety of songs, including many hits from The Pocketeers’ latest album, “Attack of the Giant Bloodthirsty Marionette from Southern Maine”, which can be purchased off of the iTunes Store for the reasonable price of only $8.91, an incredible deal if I ever saw one. It was magical, until the police escorted us off the premises.
And sometimes, if you listen closely…
…you can still hear the sound of us throwing rocks at Hinchy’s office, like a ghostly echo on the wind.
03/28/07 | by:
Lucas|
General |
1501 Comments »
“GRATE” EXPECTA”SHUN”S
Today’s fantabulous guest blogger is my evil illiterate alternate personality, Jerry. I hope you cherish his work as if it were my own.
TODAY in porplemontage studios ice creamed we are talking about making new additions to the LINE! (up)
“STEVE”: okay gues what
me: what
ste: chicken butt.
me: no your a loser not funny. NEXT
ste: ok srsly we ned bettr (WEB TWO POINT OH REFERENCE) cartoons for the porplemontage.
now i wonderd abot this. WHY is it porpleMONTAGE? is this a montage of PORPLES? so ia sked him.
me: is this a montge of PORPLES?
stev: NO! THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
and he kicked teh (INTERNET SERIES OF TUBES REFEREN.) persian down the well. also in this the persian is hinchy hinchliffe but not the prince of persia or taht (MIS SPELLEING REFEREN.) pok-ay-mon. poke-ee-mon? poke-a-mon. the world will never know!!!
SOOOOO now i gots a look for the porples to mantage together (hehe luc-ass). we got simon cowell and american idol to do our auditions!
SIMON(E): well okay so who do we have first
ryan seacrest: his name is brooks tevee (ALSO THIS TAKES PLACE IN THE PAST BEFORE BROOKSTV GOT ACCEPTED)
randy: dog yo dog dog
paula: lets listen annd not criticize him
brokes television (MY BROKEN TV REFERENC.): well because my scanner is broken i will sing a song
SIM.ON.)well good because even though i am not a singer and or anything like that i am the BEST judge of SONGS!
randy: dog snop dog
brookstv:
at this point broks “leggo my eggo” williams sang a beauty song bout some birds and reindeers and some other crap i didnt listen because I AM THE BEST AND I DON”T HAVE TO LISTEN YO YOUR CRAP.
of PORPLES?
stev: NO! THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
and he kicked teh (INTERNEoops accidentally copypasted too lazy to delete. –me
ryan seacrest: okay gues who know: how did brooks sing
steve: yeah answer the question kiddo
paula: he was the best ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
simon: he was A BUTT. TWUICE TIMES IT.
randy: dog walk the dog yo yo
steve: simon simone simeon the sims-on simpathetic (these is a listed nicknames for simon.) just tell me if i should make him my NUMBER ONE! cartoon man.
we waited while simon “towel;” cowell made acdecision and………………………………………..
IT’S A BOY
haha no j/k y’all
simon: yeah he goes to hollywood!
STEVEN “NICKNAME SHINN:” k
SO ANYWAY OOPS CAPS hE dECIDED to make brooks “accepted!” williams a full part of the POEPRREWARARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH
the PORPLE MONTAGE. and that was it! UNTIL KNOCK ON WOOD CAME A LONG THAT IS (even though knock on wood came before brooks: its a doctor who reference)
i hate you all >:O >:O >:4 8 15 16 23 42 (LOST REFER.)
03/24/07 | by:
Lucas|
General |
17308 Comments »
All Your Database Are Belong To Us
At the Porplemontage Studios Forum & Drama Pit, there’s some new sheriffs in town. Brooks “WTF is with Ink” Williams and Zachary “Zachary ‘Hinchy’ Hinchliffe” Hinchliffe are now “Community Protectors” or something like that (I’m sorry, these blogs aren’t worthy of my precious “looking stuff up for journalistic accuracy” time). As with every new government, they had some changes to make. And changes they were.
“Hear ye, hear ye!” shouted Brooksy.
“Yeah! Hear ye!” shouted Hinchy.
“Shut up, Zach.”
“k”
“Users of the Porplemontage Studios Forum, take note! For today, we have created a new area for discussion! We call it: Mindless Junk!”
Zach stopped shutting up. “Mindless Junk is a forum for talking about random things without polluting other areas of the forum, and as such, posts do not count.”
“Yeah! They don’t count!”
“Shut up, Brooks.”
“k”
Back at the coffee lounge, Edge “durrrrrrr” Edgerton was griping to me. “Lucas, why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did they come up with such a retarded idea?”
“Actually, I believe we’re only at alert level Stupid.”
“Still, it’s horrible! Remember mindStage, Lucas?”
“More like rindStage!” Chad Drummer and the Lucas Wagner Five played a rimshot to accentuate my awesome joke.
“Well, they had a ‘fluff forum’ too. And it was mismanaged like you wouldn’t believe! Stuff that should’ve gone there didn’t, and stuff that shouldn’t have been there was. There’s no criteria, Lucas! It’s just ‘randomness, games, and general idiocy’. How lamesuck is that?”
“Well, you could always fill in a complaint form.
“Well maybe I will! I will fill in that complaint form and I will fill it in with the anger that befits my rage against the machine!”
(Also, to Rage Against the Machine: Please send me free merchandise. I gave you a plug, so you are now indebted to me.)
The next day…
Zachary “Zachary ‘Zachary “Hinchy” Hinchliffe’ Hinchliffe” Hinchliffe came up to the podium with Serious Bizness. “It has come to the attention of the Council of Community Selectors [again, not researched –L.] that there have been some complaints about the Mindless Junk discussion area! As such, we will be creating strict criteria as to what belongs in there!”
I was understandably perplexed. “So wait. You’re giving strict criteria to a forum whose only purpose is randomness?”
“Yes.”
“And how on Porple’s green earth are you expecting that to work?”
The room exploded with dissent and loud shouting.
“This is ridiculous!”
“No it isn’t, you’re ridiculous!”
“Mindless Junk is for suckas!”
“Rabble rabble rabble!”
Brooks shot his gun and killed Dudesy “GOD STOP BEING A FRIGGIN’ IDIOT” Dudesyton. “SHUT UP! God! Listen, no posts are being gained, so there’s absolutely no problem at all. Stop complaining about it and get back to work.”
Little did Brooks know, there would be a problem. You’ll find out about it in the next paragraph!
a coupla hours later…
A voice came over the intercom. “System failure.”
Steve “hands-off” Shinn came down to the forum. “Brooks, what did you do?”
“System failure.”
Brooks shrugged. “I have no idea!”
“System failure.”
Hinchy came running in. “Brooks, we need to evacuate now! The forum’s database is collapsing!”
“System failure.”
“How and why is it collapsing?”
“System failure.”
“Everybody started posting in Mindless Junk all at once! Even though the posts don’t count, the database still needs to store them, and it’s about to blow thanks to the gibibytes of useless nonsense everyone’s been posting!”
“System failure.”
“Steve, is there any way to override the explosion? Or at least shut that friggin’ computer up?”
“System failure.”
Steve raised his eyebrow skeptically like Spock did in that one Star Trek episode. “Brooks, it’s like a balloon with too much air in it. You can’t just override it being about to burst!”
“Oh.”
Suddenly, in a fit of deus ex machina, I showed up on my sexy sexy motorcycle. “Hop on guys, I’m getting us out of here at high velocities!”
They hopped on, and I drove out the window as the building exploded behind us with a loud “ASFASFDSFWEAFEWFEWi like pie”.
“Lucas, you saved us!” exclaimed Brooks.
“Yes. Yes, I did.”
Suddenly, I woke up.
“Aw, what? It was just a dream?” I was about to get really mad and throw something at my cat, but then my computer beeped.
“NEW PORPLEMONTAGE FORUM CREATED: MINDLESS JUNK.”
So maybe it wasn’t a dream after all…
THE END
A Lucas Wagner Production
03/22/07 | by:
Lucas|
General |
3575 Comments »
Ego Tripping at the Gates of Heck
At Porplemontage Studios & Borg Cube, no.
At Porplemontage Studios & Couch Factory… no.
At Porplemontage Studios & Lemon Tree? Mmmm… perhaps.
At Porplemontage Studios & Lemon Tree, we’re all about… working? No. Dancing our hearts out? Making pies?
“AAAAARGH!”
I was on the 23rd floor of the PorplemindStage Tower, aka our Floor of Bean Bag Chairs. It was a good place to sit down, relax, and get work done, which was what I was doing. But today, work wasn’t getting done. And that made me a sad panda.
The Real “FINALLY!” Rubyrulez ran really rapidly rightwards to me in a stunning feat of alliteration. “What’s up?”
“The blog. I can’t think of any ideas for my next entry.”
“Ouch.”
“No kidding.”
“What do you have so far?”
“Nothing. De nada. Zilch. Zero. Another synonym for having no quantity of something.”
“Not even a witty intro?”
“Not even a half-witted intro.”
Speaking of half-witted, my phone rang- it was Dudesy.
“Lucas, I want to be in your blog.”
“No. Go away.”
“Pleeeeeease?” he pleaded like the sniveling snail he supposedly was.
“Nev– hold on a sec, I have a call on the other line.”
I tapped a button on my iPhone, because this is a work of fiction and I can have whatever awesome gadgets I want.
“This is Lucas.”
“Lucas! It’s Niko ‘Geoweasel is an okay toon’ Anesti! Hey, you could use that in your blog! What a coincidence! Speaking of which, I–”
“Shut up shut up shut up! NOBODY IS GOING TO BE IN MY BLOG!” I threw my iPhone across the room in a fit of rage because it’s fictional and I didn’t have to pay for it.
I needed somewhere else to go to isolate myself from the outside world. I decided I would take the elevator to my not-so-luxuriant office on the now-99th floor (damn you Brooks) to zone out for a bit. Big mistake. One Nate “Warhol? White-Westinghouse? Wagner?” W was waiting to move in for the kill.
“LUCAS I WANT TO BE IN YOUR BLOGGGGGGGGGGGG!”
“No! You were already in one!”
“If you don’t-” he pulled out a menacing switchblade- “I’ll cut you like sliced meat.”
I was, of course, frightened. So I did what any reasonable man would do- took the switchblade by ninja force and cut the elevator cable, sending us plummeting downwards.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! LUCAS WHY DID YOU DO THIS?”
“I WAS AFRAIIIIIIIIIID! ANYWAY, DON’T WORRYYYYYYY! IF YOU JUMP RIGHT BEFORE IT HITS GROUND YOU’LL SURVIVE! I SAW IT ON MYTHBUSTERRRRRRRRRRS!”
It turns out, that while I did see it on Mythbusters, it got proven to be a myth. Whoops. As you might expect, I died.
I got sent to Limbo.
I was worried.
As a secular humanist, I didn’t think a trip to heaven would be on my itinerary. I sulked, bowing my head and sticking my hands in my pockets to look like I deserved pity. Luckily: I found something.
A “Get Out of Hell Free” card from a recent game of Theopoly. I was saved!
in heaven…
“Excuse me, Mr. Lucas sir?”
“Yes, Saint Peter?”
“God wishes to speak with you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, he says it’s urgent.”
For those of you who haven’t seen God, he looks kinda like George Clooney but a bit taller and a bit younger.
“You wanted to see me?”
“Yes. Lucas, I have a request for you. Now, as God I have access to anything I desire, except I have no power over free will (like in Bruce Almighty) so I can’t force you to do this…”
“Oh God, no!”
“No, no, nothing like that! All I desire is…”
“Yes…”
“I want a shout-out in one of your blog posts.”
“No.”
“I’ll smite you!”
“Still no.”
“You bastard.”
At this point, everybody heard God swear so I ran while everyone questioned if God “devilishly good looking” Patterson was really all that holy and almighty.
After making my escape back to the mortal world (thanks to my homeboy St. Patrick), I now had a great idea for a blog.
“If God Had a Mouth, How Would He Keep His Teeth Clean”
I wrote the entry, and posted it to the Internet(s).
minutes later…
Steve came to my office, looking all angry-like. “Lucas, what is the meaning of this?”
“What’s the meaning of what?”
“This!”
“You’re not holding anything.”
“Well, pretend I’m holding your latest blog entry, and pointing to the part where you say that God is a jerk.”
“Oh. What’s the problem?”
“I’ve got all the major Christian churches on my ass about this! The Catholics, the Protestants, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the Church of Jesus Christ of Saints Who Were Actually On Time Thank You Very Much, they’re all up in arms about this!”
“Well, what do I do?”
Steve told me the only solution.
in Vatican City…
Archbishop Rick came into the Pope’s apartment with a printout in his hand. “Benedicto! Avoganza fettucini, parmesan Porplemontage Blog rotini!”
The Pope was surprised. “Lucas, spaghetti vermicelli?”
“Voila!”
“Rambaldi… da Vinci… ah! ‘…so I called up a good friend of mine, Pope “Chancellor Popeatine” Benedict XVI…’ Magnifico!”
So now, everything’s peachy with me and the Church. And everybody at Porplemontage Studios & Wig Store have learned to give it a rest when it comes to me blogging, because everyone will get a mention someday. Even you, Fett “YAY” Fetterson, even you.
03/21/07 | by:
Lucas|
General |
1082 Comments »